Sex on the beach is a fabulous cocktail, and that’s all it should ever be.
Let’s be real, friends. All sex positions are not created equal. Sex is amazing and fun, but there are certain sexual situations and moves that are better than others. From shower sex to standing up, here are nine sex positions that are severely overrated and are actually the worst. Sorry in advance if I hurt anyone’s feelings.
Cowgirl
Screw cowgirl. Everyone says this position is so fantastic and men supposedly love it, but no. It sucks. People don’t want to talk about how exhausting cowgirl is for us, ladies. Sex is already a cardio workout.
I don’t need to add to the stress on my body. Orgasms take concentration and how can you focus on your clitoris while you’re bouncing up and down like you’re on a pogo stick?
Shower sex
You think shower sex is going to be like a movie: hot, soapy, and wet. Wrong. Shower sex is horrible. Trying to hump someone’s body when you’re covered in soap is a safety hazard. Sex should not involve breaking your hip.
Water does not lubricate sex organs, and it washes away any lube you bring in. It’s not sexy when your vagina is as dry as an unbuttered cornbread muffin. This just does not sound fun at all.
Spooning
You hear that spooning is the most intimate position. No. Spooning sucks.
When you’re having sex, you want full penetration, not half penetration. There is no way your partner’s penis is getting in there all the way when he’s spooning you. Plus, unless you’re going to do an altered spoon and butterfly your legs, you can’t get any clitoral action. You’re more likely to fall asleep than orgasm.
Getting a pearl necklace
“I love getting semen in my hair!” said no person literally ever. This is not a porno and getting a pearl necklace is not fun. It only sounds like a good idea. And then you do it and realize it was the worst sexual decision you’ve ever made (besides that one threesome with your college roommate).
You’ll wind up needing to shampoo or possibly go to the ER with a burning eye socket because homeboy didn’t know how to aim. No, thank you.
Reverse cowgirl
Much like the cowgirl, reverse cowgirl is way too much work; but this position is terrible for its own host of reasons that go beyond possible cardiac arrest. Guys are always telling me to get on backward. WHY?! So I can be uncomfortable, unable to move much of anywhere, all while cursing my burning thighs?
This position is NOT optimal for orgasm and orgasm is my top priority here. Penises are not even supposed to enter you in this direction. It does not properly align with the vaginal opening, and if I RVSP-ed for this party, I better be getting off.
69
I don’t think there is any woman who really, truly enjoys the 69 position. I could be wrong, but I bet I’m not.
Every single time I do the 69 position, I either wind up gagging or so involved in what’s happening to my own body that I can’t give a proper blowjob. There are ways around this. You can 69 on your side, and this is much easier.
Can’t we all just take turns and live our best lives? We’re not in that much of a rush, are we?
Standing up
Standing up is so hot on television. You have a big strong man lift you up and take you against a wall. It sounds outstanding. Of course, then you do it and realize no guy can lift you like a ragdoll and you wind up with one leg on the floor, your partner’s Johnson unable to penetrate you.
Height differences become painfully apparent when you try to have sex against a wall. It can really kill the mood. I say take an extra 30 seconds, throw your partner down on the bed and have at it.
Sex involving food of any kind
What is with people and food sex? Sticking a maraschino cherry in your vagina sounds like a great idea until it gets tucked up inside you and you wind up with a raging yeast infection.
Sex with food is just an all around bad idea. Your vagina is sensitive, and it doesn’t need you shoving sugary candies or root vegetables up it. It’s unsanitary, gross, and the cleanup is the worst.
Beach sex
Sex on the beach is a fabulous cocktail, and that’s all it should ever be. If you’ve ever gotten sand in your crotch, you know the misery.
Sex on the beach is one of those pop culture positions that is supposed to be on every person’s bucket list. In practice, you either do it in the ocean and wind up with a UTI or on the beach with a vagina full of sand. Hard pass.
